


Q Ex Machina

by Fuguestate



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Humor, Multi, Must have sense of humor this tall to ride, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-03-21
Updated: 1999-03-21
Packaged: 2017-10-10 07:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuguestate/pseuds/Fuguestate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Q is sick of this Dominion War shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Q Ex Machina

The two massive fleets hurled themselves at one another with all the fury of Hell itself. Jem'Hadar, Federation, Cardassian, and Klingon ships met in a silent, lethal dance of phaser fire and explosions.

Captain Sisko gazed at the viewscreen of the _Defiant_, brows furrowed in concentration. They had succeeded in destroying a number of Cardassian and Dominion warships, but twice as many were now converging on the small, battered ship. It was over.

_We gave it our best_, Sisko thought, grimly resigned to his and his crew's deaths. _At least Jake still has a chance_, he thought sadly. The enemy ships were getting closer. If only they had been able to stop the Dominion from entering the Alpha Quadrant. If only Cardassia hadn't joined them; If only--

_**PHWEEEEEEEEET!!!**_ "ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY OUT OF THE POOL!"

_What the hell--?_ Sisko recognized the voice at about the same time he perceived that the weapons fire--_all_ of it--had stopped. He stood up, furious, as the owner of that voice materialized before him...complete with a striped full-body swimsuit, white hat, and a whistle on a string around his neck.

"Q!" Sisko rumbled dangerously. "_What_ is the meaning of this?"

"The meaning, my dear Captain," Q said, flopping forward with great dignity in his swim fins, "is this: I'm here to pick up the mess you've made. The viewers are getting _very_ dissatisfied," he scolded, arms crossed. "You _sit_ there in your little space station for the longest time, not doing anything, then you embroil yourselves in political intrigues that rival the X-files (never mind what that is) in layers of complexity, you set up _really_ wierd love interests," here he made a face, "at the expense of the few that actually make some kind of _sense_, **_then_** you try to solve everything with a slugfest with a budget from hell, and the network is tired of it! So," he said, looking around and placing his hands on his hips, "here goes--"

There was a flash of white, and Sisko found himself on the Promenade of Deep Space Nine with Dax, Worf, O'Brien, Bashir, Kira, and Odo. There was another flash, and Dukat _zinged_ into existence with his shadow Weyoun, along with Q, who had discarded his lifeguard outfit in favor of a Starfleet uniform. "_Love_ the new look," he smarmed at Sisko.

"What are we doing back on the station?" O'Brien piped up.

Q rolled his eyes. "Duh. You can't have the _series_ without the _station_."

Dukat was just starting to sputter something thunderously indignant when Q caught sight of Weyoun. "Very nice," he purred, looking the Vorta up and down. He smiled coyly at Dukat. "Do you share?"

Weyoun turned a distinctly odd shade of mauve and Dukat looked like he was about to swallow his own tongue when Sisko stepped forward. "Q..."

"Oh, all right!" Q pouted. "First things first," he said, getting down to business, "If I don't take care of this one, the death threats will be carried out..." he fixed his gaze on Major Kira and Security Chief Odo. "All right, my little angst-ridden star-crossed twosome; you've both been in denial for _far_ too long. Now, we tried giving you _time_," he said through both their outraged protests, "we've tried letting you do this yourselves, and it hasn't worked--_SO_, we're just going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. _Yes_, friends, it's time for...Two Minutes in the Closet!" he shouted to the enthusiastic crowd that had so conveniently appeared, snapping a smart "Z" as he did so. "Or, in _your_ case," he said, turning back to Kira and Odo with a wicked grin, "As-Long-As-it-_Takes_ in the Closet." And with that, the horrified couple were abruptly blinked away, presumably into the large, archaic coat closet that had materialized by the information kiosk.

Across the way, Quark had peeked out from the bar just in time to see the whole thing. After emitting a strangled squawk at the thought of what this would do to the Odo/Kira pool, he quickly recovered, shouting, "Place your bets now on just how long they'll be in there!"

Weyoun made a lunge for the bar before Dukat seized him by the collar and plunked him decisivesly back down at his side.

"Well! Moving right along..." Q produced an oversized clipboard with the words "To Do" emblazoned across the top. "Ah! Here we are. Dax and Worf..._What_!? *You* and Micro-Brain?? I _have_ been gone too long..." He moved to stand by Dax. "My dear," he began, placing an arm around her shoulder, "I'm afraid there's been a mistake. You see, apparently this little match-up was the result of a rather wild party among the producers and an ill-timed bet. You're _actually_ supposed to be matched up with _him_." Jadzia suddenly disappeared and reappeared in the arms of a startled (but pleased) Dr. Bashir.

"But what's this?" Q was musing, looking back at his checklist. He looked one more time, just to be sure, shrugged, and suddenly the good doctor had one arm around Garak, who had until that moment been enjoying the view along with Ziyal among Q's impromptu audience. The Cardassian looked not at all disturbed, but a furious cry from the second level made everyone look up. Ziyal was looking _very_ unhappy with this new arrangement.

Q sighed loudly, "All right, just this once..." and Ziyal was immediately in Garak's, and Julian's, and Dax's arms.

Needless to say, this sequence of events was starting to attract more than a little attention (not to mention a flurry of betting at Quark's).

"Look," Q said, staring down Sisko _and_ Dukat, "it's the 24th century, they're all adults, and it wraps things up, dammit!" Turning to the happy foursome, he muttered, "Just keep it on a.s.c.e. and no one will be hurt, all right?"

Worf, in the meantime, was looking more and more dangerous as things progressed until Q finally whirled on him. "If you'd just _wait_ a minute, Woof, you're next on the list!" He walked toward the seething Klingon, reading the list as he went. "It says here that you're to get your own series..."

Worf perked up with an interested "Urrr?"

Q nodded. "Yep. 'Worf Trek: Following in Kirk's Footsteps'. You get to fly around in a greeeat big ship, explore strange new worlds, bed strange new women, encounter fascinating customs, meet lots of exciting people, and kill them."

Worf grinned. "Cool. Uh-huh-huh-huh."

"'Nuff said," Q muttered, snapping Worf out of existence to embark on his new series. "Okay, kids," he turned to the rest of the group, "that wraps it up for this place. I have a few more loose ends to tie up here and there, but we can now return this station to its regularly scheduled programming. Come along, children," he gestured to Dukat and Weyoun, "We have places to go, things to see, and people to do...wait, that's not right...oh, well--" And the three of them, along with the entire Dominion force in the Alpha Quadrant, promptly vanished.

Captain Sisko took a long, deep breath and let it out very, very carefully. "I haven't got the faintest idea what just happened," he said, "but I hope it never, _ever_ happens again." He turned to Dax to ask her opinion of things, but she was busy whispering something in Julian's ear that was making him turn a fascinating shade of pink. Sisko sighed. "Chief?" he turned to O'Brien. "How about helping me get the Major and the Constable out of that closet?"

"_Touc_h the door and **_die_**," came Kira's slightly muffled voice from inside the anachronistic piece of furniture.

"O-o-o-kay," said the captain, utterly defeated. Hesitantly, he looked around them. There was nothing to _do_ anymore...

Just then, he saw Kasidy and Jake come strolling out of the Replimat toward him. "Dad!" Jake exclaimed, "Kasidy just brought the _greatest_ baseball holoprogram--"

Sisko held up a hand, forestalling his son's enthusing. "At this point, I'm not going to ask any questions. Let's just go." He paused, thinking. "Maybe I could take up teaching Shakespeare; I've always wanted to do that..." And they headed for Quark's holosuites while O'Brien set about looking for magic elves to replenish his stock and Jadzia, Julian, Garak and Ziyal headed off for regions unknown.

And Cardassia seceded from the Dominion to become the new branch of the Disney franchise.

And the Founders decided that maybe they had been a little harsh, after all.

And for the first time, the Jem'Hadar felt a little warm and fuzzy inside.

And they all lived happily ever after.

  
(word has it that Kira and Odo are still in that closet, by the way...)

  
\--th' end--

**Author's Note:**

> In-jokes that I can still remember:
> 
> \- a.s.c.e. = alt.startrek.creative.erotica . The place for all the naughty Star Trek fanfic years and years ago. ;)
> 
> \- Dukat was deliberately kept from speaking in this because he _just wouldn't shut up_ ever.
> 
> \- Worf laughs like Beavis &amp; Butt-head. Yes, I am that old.
> 
> \- Viacom = Disney = Evil.
> 
> There are other in-jokes, but they're either obvious or so obscure as to be irrelevant. ;P  
> 


End file.
